Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Melanie versus Monsters

This morning I felt completely defeated. This evening I drove alone for the first time in over 6 months. 

Nice little juxtaposition to wrap up the day. 

The intention to drive was there pre-trigger. After all, the faceless passenger had just been created. And, notably, this morning's trigger had nothing to do with driving. 

I used the morning's heartache to ensure I committed to getting behind that wheel. 

If I was going to be sobbing and checking and hiding and ruminating, I would get behind that wheel. 

I'm reminded that driving is not the enemy. OCD is the enemy. 

And while I've learned the content of obsessions doesn't matter, right now, I need to externalize the subtypes I experience. With monsters. 

I snapped this photo of my homemade monster after arriving at my destination. Then I upped her evil factor.
 Shoutout to Catherine. Meeting Olivia has been helpful.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Is that a voodoo doll in your car?

If I'm going to drive, I'm driving with a monster. I will create a monster. I need a monster if I'm going to start driving again.

The monster is with me anyway. She's been my faceless passenger for years, breathing fear into the steering wheel, dread onto the dashboard.

Today I have chosen to give her form.

Just not a face.

She doesn't need a face. Her presence speaks volumes, doubt and dread on overdrive. Her dialogue, relentless:

Watch out. There's a person on the sidewalk. What if you hit them? Check and make sure they're still on the sidewalk. Was that them? Was that someone else? What if it was someone running to get help? What if you just hit the pedestrian? You're getting closer to that a car parked on the side of the road. A child could dart out. What if a child darts out and you kill the child? Be careful. Drive slow. Check to make sure you didn't hit a child. Can you be sure? What if you just hit a child? There's another person. Be vigilant. Drive carefully. What was that bump? Did you just hit someone and not notice? Check. But are you sure you didn't see a body? Maybe you should replay the situation over in your mind. Play it again. And again. Can you be certain that bump wasn't a body? Check the news as soon as you can. Find out if you're going to jail. Your life will be over. Wait, was that a scream or a bird? Listen closely. Did you just hit someone and they screamed? You have to be more careful. Driving is dangerous. Check and make sure no one is hurt. Are you sure it was just a bird? What if you killed someone? How can you be certain?

She's my faceless passenger. She's the passenger who's made me become the passenger. Her dialogue is haunting, consuming.

My homemade monster. Grateful for the inspiration from
But now I'll hang her from the rear view mirror in lieu of air fresheners. Now I'm choosing to drive with her dangling in my peripheral.

I've resisted my faceless passenger for years. But today, as I hang her from my rear view mirror, I'm accepting that she'll be coming along for the ride.