Monday, April 11, 2016

The Relentless Side of OCD

I was recently triggered by my hit-and-run OCD. No. That doesn't begin to describe it. OCD recently crushed my soul.

It's incredibly isolating and depressing. I feel like a murderer who got away with a heinous crime. I have the urge to turn myself in but over what? A "feeling" of hitting someone, a "sense" that I ran someone over.

Cop: where did it happen?
It didn't.
Cop: what did you do?
I didn't do anything. Arrest me just in case?

The feelings are so intense that they make me doubt myself. Maybe the feelings are right. Maybe they're on to something. Maybe something did happen. Maybe I don't remember.

Then the urge to figure it out saunters in:

Just think, Melanie. Just replay the situation over in your mind so you can know for sure that you're not a murderer.

Then logic pipes in its two cents:

Don't do it. It's a compulsion. You know it. Don't give in.

So I surrender to feelings of indescribable heartache.

I used to feel this way regularly. Before treatment, my hit and run OCD was so bad that I'd find myself in these states close to anytime I drove. And they would linger for weeks. That's why I had stopped driving altogether.

I've since learned that avoiding driving just fuelled the disorder. I've been driving for quite some time and doing well. So this low is especially demoralizing.

This low has found me in a state of despair. I don't have the words to begin to articulate what it feels like. I worry that people will read this with rationality and fail to understand. I also fear that people will think I did actually kill someone.

OCD leads back to OCD.

This is what I did as a teenager - poured out my emotions as they came. Am I seeking attention? Am I calling out for help? Will I regret this?

OCD leads back to OCD.

Writing this isn't doing much in the cathartic department. My theory returns that ultimately we are all alone. It's not reasonable to expect someone to save you. Everyone is already trying to save themselves. No one is coming to my rescue. That's just how it works.

What does it take to have someone cradle you in their arms for hours and let you sob because nothing makes sense? There's no formula to achieve this. We all want to be loved. But it won't happen because people help when it's convenient for them. It won't happen because it's not realistic to expect that from someone.

These are the states you're alone in.

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