Friday, March 4, 2016

OCD's Stream of Consciousness

Today I decided to document my stream of consciousness for the morning (from 6:30am-8:30am), with a brief snippet from last night. Here's all the fun:

Laying in bed before falling asleep:
I'm not tired. 

I'm never going to sleep again.
My body has its own rhythm but gotta do the 9 to 5 thing.
Why does my mind keep flashing to scary images?

Why do I feel so out of it?
Why does it feel like my mind is controlling me?
Am I developing schizophrenia?

Laying in bed before waking up:
Gotta relax my tense legs.
I should get up and exercise.
I eat enough junk that exercise will balance it out.
But I'm so tired.
I'll only have enough energy to get through the work day and then I'll be exhausted all evening.
*thinking back to last nights debate*
I'm glad Rob Ford isn't the laughing stock of Canada anymore.
It's good Canada is maintaining a perfect image.
What is perfect? There's probably many awful things I don't know about.
How am I going to have time to get everything done today?
Maybe I should get off my Zoloft and see if it really is doing anything.
I need to be more sociable at work.
I'm tense again I need to relax.
I gotta check all my social media stuff.
But I should be exercising.
I gotta tone my butt.
I think I'm getting a headache.
I feel ill.
Gotta relax my face. Don't want wrinkles.
Why am I wasting time laying in bed? 

I could have been getting steps and doing squats.

My lips are tingling. I hope my lip infection isn't coming back.
Can't wipe face with body towel. Gotta use something pure.
Gotta get tissue from bedroom to wipe my face. Can't use toilet paper. Could be fecal matter on it.
I go through these same thoughts every morning.
I'm a broken record.

Getting ready:
What to wear?
Gotta hurry up.
Don't want to be late.
I need more Dr. Mist (natural deodorant) so I don't have to use antiperspirant for too many days and increase risk of cancer.
I can't control my love for sugar so gotta minimize cancer risk somewhere.
Gotta find most comfortable underwear. Can't be uncomfortable.
It's snowing. I hate driving in the snow
Gotta remember to take my Zoloft.
I shouldn't have told Brandon to fill the Brita when it's almost empty.
I don't want to be a nag.

Making breakfast:
I didn't finish the peppers - what a waste. And they would have been a good cancer preventative.
I don't get enough variety in my diet.
My stomach hurts.
I'm making my body stressed.
Gotta hurry up.
What if Brandon poured water for the cats when the Brita needed to be changed? It could be dangerous for them to drink.
*blending smoothie*
Ah get that image out of my mind (picturing blender slicing up my tongue)
Gotta make sure blender wire is hidden so the cats don't eat it.
I forgot to put on antiperspirant.

Eating breakfast:
I have a few minutes to try relax and eat then gotta hurry.
I don't think I'm chewing my food properly. I'm probably damaging my throat. Or maybe something is already wrong with my throat.
I'm eating too fast.
Focus on chewing.
Gotta find more FitBit friends to see if I'm walking enough.
Okay there's way more snow and freezing fog later. I'm not afraid of hitting people but rather just driving in scary conditions. That's okay, right?
I should socialize at work today but I have so much work to do.

Back to getting ready:
I just straightened hair and I didn't put product on. I'm damaging my hair.
Gotta remember I unplugged my straightener.
I look stupid. Gotta change outfit.
I look kind of manly.
I gotta put a bandaid on my toe so it doesn't get infected. I gotta stop picking.
Relax my face.
I don't look manly. I feel guilty for thinking that.
My pants are tighter. I've gained weight. I need new clothes. I shouldn't spend money on something frivolous.
I should go shopping to treat myself.
Now I look like a football player but I don't want to be cold at work.
I just checked the straightener. Why did I do that?
Gotta hurry up.
Relax my shoulders.
I want to back comb my hair but don't want it to fall out.
Maybe putting on makeup will make me feel better.
Gotta unplug toothbrush charger so there isn't a fire.
Relax shoulders.
I can't gag when I'm at Hannah's.
Now it's not snowing. Should I drive? Am I avoiding? I don't think so.
Relax shoulders.
Makeup might give me cancer.
No not worth worrying about it today.
I should get my money's worth
*puts on makeup*
Great now it's gonna flare up my eye issue.
Why do I even bother? Brandon doesn't notice. No one notices. Who am I trying to impress?
Should I put a blog post up to see if other people think these thoughts all day?
What if people relate and I don't have OCD?
What if everyone has these thoughts and copes well and I'm just pathetic?
What if I insult someone?
What if I get fired?

What if I get fired for writing my fear of being fired in my blog?
I'll make sure to add it's an irrational fear to cover my bases. 
Now I'm going to be obsessing about this.

Leaving for work:
I have a headache. I'll wait to take Tylenol at work so I don't have to worry whether I left it out.
Did I close the doors upstairs? I know I did but I want the feeling of certainty. Better check.
Gotta do a kitchen scan to make sure the cats won't die from something I left out.
Okay step out of front door quickly so boys don't get out.
Did I open the window this morning? No I didn't. Why am I even thinking that?

Arriving at work:
Better check to make sure car isn't coming so I don't get run over.
I just put my socks on the dirty floor. Now going to bring all that dirt home.
I feel overwhelmed with all I have to do.
Am I allowed to share this kind of thing in my blog? Should I ask? Is that reassurance?

Team check-in:
The new manager is beside me. I don't know what to say.
Wow there's a lot of people today. I don't know what to say.

I need a wellness lunch with my friend. But she has a baby and I have to be understanding if she has to reschedule.
Sometimes I just listen to people and don't feel like there's time for me to be heard. 

What if people are insulted by this? 
What if people think this is petty?

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